The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
