I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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