Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
