i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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