apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
