morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
