oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
