i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
