Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
why is half of my head shaved?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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