dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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