Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
