people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
