I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
