Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
