i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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