Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
