I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
