Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
