I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
