my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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