Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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