Screwed.edu
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
