ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
