AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
