The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
