That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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