He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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