nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
