I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
