3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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