im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
