i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
