I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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