Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
