mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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