Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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