I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
