I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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