Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So many bounce houses so little time
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
