i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
