Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
