My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
