wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
