I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
