the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
