how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
