Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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