The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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