A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
