don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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