I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
