So drunk its hurt
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
there is glitter all over my balls
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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