Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
