I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
