i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
