My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
