Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
