Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
