I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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