I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
